First day without Dad

Waking the first day without a dad and I don’t know how I should feel. The weather is bright and the birds are still singing. We are all exhausted after looking after him. Each day was filled with new obstacles, from trying to adapt to an ever changing array of medicines to challenges with trying to care for him.

I adored my dad and we never had a cross word with each other. He could read my mood the second I entered a room. I could never hide anything from him, he was my best buddy right up until my son was born.

However, after seeing him suffer I can’t help but feel a release, a calm acceptance that his passing was right. I also feel guilt at feeling like this.

After a few phone calls to relatives, I wander down my garden. The woodpecker has shed a feather by our pool. I beautiful green feather and as many people who have lost someone dear, see the feather as a message or gift.

I feel light, for the first time in two years I have walked to the bottom of our garden without my mobile telephone. I was constantly on high alert to go to my dad. In my mind every ambulance I heard or saw was heading to my dad. I could now stop this train of thought.

Everything that was important yesterday had overnight become the least of my worries.

List of people that may appear in my diary:-

1 Dad Wonderful 80 year old parent. Reliable,calm and funny. A great baby sitter and Trumpet player.
2 Mum, married to Dad for 59years. Loves cleaning, gardening and knitting
3 Husband of 27 years. My co-pilot or I’m his, not sure. Survivor of skin cancer.
4 Son, Mr cool. Developing a body like an adonis. 22 years and an old spirit, I’m sure he has been on this earth before.
5 Daughter, 13 full of hormones and angst. She is nobodies fool and a lady who is not for turning.
6 Friend number 1. My surrogate older sister. Survivor of breast cancer and the most honest caring person I know.
7.Friend number 2-Foster mum, divorcee, hater of all men. Source of all gossip and lover of tans and leopard print.
8. Friend number 3-Lovely beautiful and witty divorcee, in a brand new relationship. A lady who is both mega intelligent and ditsy at the same time. Her humour is sharp and we turn into a double act when we meet.
9. Friend number 4- Only 4 days older than I am. Kind generous and a calm nature. We are old next door neighbours. Her husband became rather successful and they moved to a large house in the country with all the trappings of extra income. To me she is the same person I met 20 odd years ago.
10. Friend number 5-Bloke, one half of a couple we used to go on holiday with. A man child. Very needy, in endless love traumas whereby he is in his opinion treated badly by the ladies. In my opinion, he wants to grow up. However, I do feel protective of him and his company often brings much laughter.

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